aka an anti-commercial

A few weeks ago, DirectTV irritated the crap out of my husband (Long story…I won’t get into it here.) so we disconnected our service. After looking into other alternatives, we finally decided to forgo any additional television hookups. Here’s why:

I’ve been a proponent of a la carte cable for years now. I like the idea of being able to pick and choose the channels I actually watch, and paying for them accordingly, rather than having to pay $60+ a month for a bunch of crap I don’t care about. Obviously, cable and satellite companies aren’t gonna go for that. Nowadays, though, I can do it myself. That’s because most of the shows I watch are available online for free. For the past two weeks, for example, we’ve signed onto “24” at hulu.com on my hubby’s work laptop, hooked the laptop up to our television, and voila! All set to go, with fewer commercials than we get on regular tv. We’ve done the same with Netflix ‘watch instantly’ movies, The Daily Show/Colbert Report, The Office, and a few other Must See TV shows. AND we’re saving $60+ per month. Sweet!

The only downside is that there’s no way to get New England Sports Channel online, which means no Red Sox games. We’ve been listening to them on the radio, which is cool, but I miss Don & Remy. We’ll have to work on that one…

Or something like that.

Yes, I know I’ve been VERY hit or miss lately, especially in returning emails and in keeping up with my buddy’s blogs. It’s all in a good cause, though:  Writing. The screenplay is coming along rather nicely, although I have had to cut out more characters than I would have liked. (Don’t worry…Zeke isn’t going anywhere.) Also, Rick’s world is taking shape. It’s not a nice world for him right now, but that’s as it should be.

I got an email from a reader last night who asked me if I’m a clean freak and / or a health nut like Tess. The answer is a resounding NO on both counts. I’m quite possibly the third biggest slob you’ll ever meet, and Brian’s addiction to Chef Boyardee comes directly from moi. I especially dig the Beefaroni. He (yes, guys have read the book, too!) also asked me which part of the book I enjoyed writing the most. I had a lot of fun with Chapter 15, aka Tess’s One-Damn-Thing-After-Another Friday From Hell. My goal was to make her day just as shitty as I possibly could, and I think I succeeded. But I’m proudest of how the still-controversial (yes, I still get nasty emails about it) Chapter 26 came out. It was damned hard to write, but it had to be done, and I didn’t let myself off the hook. I guess that’s all anyone can ask of themselves.

In other news, the newest feature on Publishing Renaissance (our Friday weekly news in publishing wrap-up) is live. Check it out.

Indie writers: check it out.

An Open Letter To the State of Maine:

Dear Sirs and Madams,

My husband and I owe a little over $100 in taxes to the State of Maine. The check is made out and I was just getting ready to take it to the post office. Then I remembered something: It is legal for TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families / a.k.a. welfare) recipients to purchase alcohol and tobacco products with their welfare / a.k.a. my tax money. I think I’ll save myself a stamp and buy my TANF-receiving neighbor a couple carton of Marlboros and a half gallon of Allens from the store down the road. That should make us square.

Sincerely,
R.J. Keller

I worked graveyard again last night. At about three this morning, a girl (not quite 20 years old) came into the store, having been driven by her sister. She was in labor (in labor!!!) and she felt it necessary to make a stop on the way to buy herself a pack of smokes. On her welfare card. I have been seriously depressed about it ever since.

So, it’s official. My doctor told me this morning that I am a caffeine addict.

It’s not the first time she’s told me this, actually. Every time I go in she encourages me to stop drinking coffee, or to at least cut down on it. I’ve always looked on this advice as something doctors are Supposed To Say to each of their patients, in the same way I tell my kids each day to clean their rooms, and therefore I have always ignored it.

Apparently she really did mean that I should cut down on my caffeine intake. Apparently, my recent problems with headaches, tremors, high blood pressure, mood swings, and dizziness are actually the side effects of drinking anywhere from 8-14 cups of coffee each day. When I’m at work, I frequently add caffeine shots to my already-caffeinated coffee. Probably my candy coated espresso bean snacks haven’t helped any. So today, she gave me a little pamphlet with the following information:

Caffeine works by stimulating the central nervous system. It increases the stress hormones in your blood stream, causing you to temporarily feel more alert. While there’s no real harm in having a single cup of coffee, many people become trapped in a vicious cycle of caffeine addiction. They become dependant on caffeine to stay alert during the day and find it hard to relax at night because of their excessive caffeine consumption. Then, they must consume even more caffeine the following day to compensate for their lack of rest.

Caffeine reaches your bloodstream within about 30-45 minutes. It increases your body’s dopamine levels in the same way that heroine, cocaine, and amphetamines do. Caffeine also binds to adenosine receptors and leads to increased neuron firing in the brain

While caffeine does result in increased alertness, it has been linked to high blood pressure, insomnia, tremors, rapid breathing, headaches, dizziness, a loss of fine motor control, and erectile dysfunction.

 I’ll bet you’re wondering what “adenosine receptors” are. I wondered, too, so I Googled it. According to Wikipedia:

“The adenosine receptors (or P1 receptors) are a class of purinergic receptors, G-protein coupled receptors with adenosine as endogenous ligand.”

It went on to add:

“The activity of A_2A adenosine receptor, a G-protein coupled receptor family member, is mediated by G proteins which activate adenylyl cyclase. It is abundant in basal ganglia, vasculature and platelets and it is a major target of caffeine.^“

 I don’t know what any of that means, but words like purinergic, adenylyl cyclase, and basal ganglia scare the shit out of me. So, I’m gonna do the only thing I can do. I’m gonna give up da coffee. My basal ganglia, apparently, are depending on me.

At least, I’m going to quit after I’m done with Script Frenzy. And after I’ve finished writing that new book I’ve been working on. Well, let’s say after I’m done editing it as well. Even though, really, I can quit any time I want.

Yes, my dears, I’m still tap-tap-tapping out my screenplay, still getting very little sleep, and still drinking too much coffee. The good news is that I have taken several showers since we last spoke, so that’s an improvement.

Also, I managed to pound out the first of many week-in-review type posts for Publishing Renaissance. Check it out.

I promised updates on my screenwriting progress during April’s Script Frenzy frenzy.

I’ve slept an average of 4 hours a night since this began. My head hurts. I’m out of coffee. I’m almost out of dark chocolate covered espresso beans. I forgot to shower yesterday. But as of this morning I’ve got 27/100 pages written (it’ll probably be closer to 120 pages, or a two hour screenplay, when all is said and done). And I think I’ve finally got a handle on how to adapt my bohemoth novel into a two-hour movie.

Auditions soon for the following roles:

Tess
Brian
Rachel
Zeke
Tim
Corey (aha! A composite character not in the novel.)
Other assorted characters
Director
Producer
Cinematographer
Person who owns 2 cameras, lighting/sound equipment
Lighting dudes
Sound dudes
Craft Services
Person with lots and lots and lots and lots of disposable income
Extras
Other assorted behind the scenes people

Budget: $0

Tempting, no?

You may have noticed that there’s been a lack of all things convenience store related here at Da Blog in the past few weeks. Well, there’s a reason for that. It seems that recently, more and more of my townsfolk (and thus my customers) have become aware of Kel The Convenience Store Clerk’s superhero alter-ego, aka R.J. Keller, and thus have begun to Google said pseudonym. I’m waiting for the initial hullabaloo to die down before continuing my faithful reporting on the topic, since I like being able to walk into town without having rotten veggies thrown my way.

Speaking of food, I woke up with a horrendous sweet tooth this morning. I could easily have scarfed down – on my own – an entire chocolate cake in one sitting. Thankfully I hate to cook, so there was no chocolate cake in the house. I had to make due with Strawberry Pop Tarts. (Hi Robin!!)

On another completely unrelated topic, you know those squirrels we’ve been harboring for nigh on three years? Turns out the little fuckers have been stealing the insulation from our walls to use for their squirrel home(s). To quote Shakespeare:

I hate ingratitude more in a squirrel
Than lying, vainness, babbling drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice, whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.

Poets often laud spring as a beautiful season, alive with new possibilities and promise. April showers bringing may flowers, apple blossoms glistening star like in the morning mist, love flourishing midst the woodland animals. That kind of crap.

These poets have obviously never spent the springtime month of April in Maine. Because in Maine April is a grey, filthy, depressing month. One filled with showers, yes, but the kind that bring mud long before flowers; the kind that fill bogs and swamps with stagnant water that will eventually come alive only with mosquitoes whose lone promise is a progeny who will continue to haunt and hover throughout the summer.