Counterfeit Pride


counterfeit penThe cashiers at our store are required to swipe each bill of $10 or higher with a special counterfeit detection pen. If the bill is real, the pen mark will be light-to-dark yellow. If it’s fake, the mark will be black; almost like a permanent marker. It’s kind of a pain in the ass, and makes the process of cashing out a customer that much longer, but it’s what we’re supposed to do, so we do it.

Yesterday, a group of hunters from Connecticut came into the store to buy hunting  supplies (Bud Light, Jack Daniels, chips…) and paid with a hundred dollar bill. As per company policy, I swiped it with my trusty pen. This elicited a chorus of hearty chuckles.

“What’s so funny?”

“That pen,” said Hunter #1. “As if you’d find any counterfeit bills up here.” Then he laughed some more.

You could say that this comment left me feeling rather indignant. In fact, you could say that it pissed me off. Who did these ignorant pinheads think they were, coming up here, polluting our fair state with their ugly, gas-guzzling Hummer, hunting our deer, and insulting us like that? Did they think Mainers don’t have the know-how to fashion realistic facsimiles of legal tender? Did they think we we’re without computers and printers and ink and internet access? Did they think we have no brains at all? 

I felt it necessary to put these Mighty Men of Arrow and Bow in their places.

“I’ll have you know,” I began, drawing myself up to my full five foot three inches and giving him an icy stare, “that Maine sees LOTS of counterfeit bills. Lots! We’ve gotten some in this very store! In fact, last month the cops raided a house just a few miles down the road that turned out to belong to the head of a counterfeiting ring!” Then I gave him a curt nod that said So There! and tossed him his change. 

Just imagine my reaction if they had scoffed at our citizens’ newfound commitment to having an increased share in the opiate trade…

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About R.J. Keller

R. J. Keller is the author of Waiting For Spring. An avid independent movie enthusiast, she was Managing Editor of The Movie Fanatic website and created episodes of the writer-centric YouTube series, Inside The Writers' Studio, with author Kristen Tsetsi. She co-hosted Book Chatter with Stacey Cochran from 2011-2014. She lives in Central Maine with her family, where she enjoys gardening, collecting geeky memorabilia, and watching other people cook. View all posts by R.J. Keller

7 responses to “Counterfeit Pride

  • Jim Chambers

    You should have given them their change in Monopoly money.

  • robinaltman

    Yeah! We’re just as scummy as you losers from Connecticut! What a silly state, anyway. The spelling is ridiculous. Why don’t you add another “t” at the end and be done with it? It’s almost as bad as Massachusetts. When you get yourself a normal state name, then we’ll talk. Until then, buzz off.

  • kristentsetsi

    Like there’s any reason for the “e” at the end of Maine! (says the former CT resident)

  • robinaltman

    Oops! Sorry Kristen! Just joking around. But wasn’t it annoying to spell it in school? Just admit it. Come on. . .

  • Jim Chambers

    My sister in Maine once sent me a bunch of ME refrigerator magnets. I gave them away to people I knew who had overinflated egos. All of them appreciated the gift, and none of them ever figured it out. :o)

  • kristentsetsi

    Robin – yes, it was annoying to spell in school. But not as annoying as Maine was. What’s the reason for the “e”? I ask you.

    At least with Connecticut you KNOW what the “c,” not an extra, vestigial letter, no, but a KEY to the whole STATE.

    Connect-icut.

    “Connect! Of course! Connecting lives and hearts and minds!”

    “I cut” is the antithesis of “connect,” which quite brilliantly, yes, illustrates the desire of the state to embrace its residents, but also its willingness to set them free when they must fly.

    Yes.

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