I can’t cook


Well, technically speaking I can cook. I do it every day, because the authorities tend to frown on parents who let their kids starve. But I certainly don’t enjoy cooking and resent every milisecond I spend doing it.

Tonight was no different. I spent all of yesterday writing, all of last night pulling a graveyard shift, and all morning sleeping. Then, at around three-thirty, I realized that I hadn’t pulled anything out of the freezer for supper. And that I’d already shot my “fuck it, I’ll boil some macaroni and pour a jar of Prego over it” wad last night.

So, I rummaged through my fridge and found half a kielbasa. Yes, half a kielbasa. Half a kielbasa does not feed a family of four. So I rummaged around some more and found a ziploc baggie with chopped red/orange/yellow peppers inside it. (My husband chopped them up the other morning for, I think, an omelet, bless his heart.) And I found a Granny Smith apple. Actually, there was half a bag of Granny Smith apples. I bought it two weeks ago during yet another “Holy shit, my gall bladder is acting up again, I’m going to start eating healthy now, no, really this time I MEAN IT” spasm.

I chopped up the apple and kielbasa into pretty small pieces, then tossed them in a bowl with the peppers and put the bowl in the fridge so the flavors could mingle together. (TRUTH METER: After the exertion of all that chopping, I felt the need to unwind by watching last night’s episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report on the DVR.)

After an hour of flavor-mingling, I sauted the crap in a pan (no oil required. We’re talking kielbasa, here) and spooned it (ooh! that sounds dirty) into some crescent rolls (people who hate to cook always have at least a dozen cans of crescent rolls tucked away). Then I baked it at 350 for eight minutes. Or it might have been twelve. Come to think of it, I have no idea how long it was in the oven. I just checked it every so often and pulled it out when it looked light brown-ish.

I wanted to serve it with a nice salad, but I didn’t have any lettuce in the fridge. So I popped some frozen corn (which is probably the least nutritious vegetable ever invented) in the microwave (which probably zapped what little vitamin content corn contains right out of it) and called it good.

Actually, it was pretty good. But someone really should call the authorities on me. Do it for my kids.

(Tomorrow’s post: Kel’s gall bladder finally packs up and calls it quits.)

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About R.J. Keller

R. J. Keller is the author of Waiting For Spring. An avid independent movie enthusiast, she was Managing Editor of The Movie Fanatic website and created episodes of the writer-centric YouTube series, Inside The Writers' Studio, with author Kristen Tsetsi. She co-hosted Book Chatter with Stacey Cochran from 2011-2014. She lives in Central Maine with her family, where she enjoys gardening, collecting geeky memorabilia, and watching other people cook. View all posts by R.J. Keller

5 responses to “I can’t cook

  • Ellen Fisher

    If your gallbladder is really bothering you, having it taken out is a fairly easy procedure. I had it done a few years ago, after a night in which I lay sleepless and in agony, thinking, “Having children was less painful than this.” The only real pain I suffered from the procedure itself occurred when I came home and the dog greeted me feet-first, ie, one paw placed lovingly directly on my incision. Dumb dog.

    The food sounds good!

  • robinaltman

    That sounds delicious! What a wonderful recipe. It’s like you’re the reincarnation of Betty Crocker or something. Actually, I like the “place it all in a crescent roll” idea. That was pretty damn creative.

    So sorry about your gall bladder! I know it’s really painful. My mom had hers out when she was about 48. They let her keep it and my parents put it on display in their rock collection. No wonder I’m so weird.

  • R.J. Keller

    Ellen and Robin (in re gall bladder removal),

    I hope to have it out later on this year, once I have medical insurance again. I think, once that happens, I’ll put it in a jar and display it on my Shelf of Geekery. Only because I don’t have a Shelf of Removed Organs. Who knows, though? Maybe that should be a goal.

  • Joe Glasgow

    Talk about thinking on your feet! And that meal sounds pretty good to me. Though, I have no idea what kielbasa is…

    As for the gall bladder, I like your idea of keeping it in a jar. Once I get medical insurance again, I plan to have a small benign tumor cut out of the back of my neck. (You can’t see it, but you can feel it.) I might get it jarred, too. Best of luck on your gall bladder and medical insurance.

  • Ing

    “people who hate to cook always have at least a dozen cans of crescent rolls tucked away…”

    Yep, nailed me dead to rights on that one.

    And good work with the kielbasa (speaking of phrases that sound dirty). I like to bbq them, myself (though not in the winter; that would be foolish), and the wife makes a deliciously unhealthy casserole out of chopped kielbasa, sour cream, and tater tots. I like to think that kielbasa is a step up from the old “just microwave a hot dog” thing — in terms of flavor, but probably not in healthiness.

    You know, I had a surgery where they cut out a tiny piece of my brain. I wish I’d thought to ask them if I could keep it…but I was unconscious when they took it out. 🙂 You should definitely keep your gallbladder around after they remove it. Bet it’d make a great conversation piece.

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