Welcome to Maine. Now go home.


Memorial Day Weekend is the unofficial start of tourist season. I bagged my first one Monday afternoon at work. Behold the following true life conversation …

Guy from Massachusetts: Your gas prices are high.

Me: I know, but they’re the lowest in the area. [It’s true … $2.379 for regular unleaded.]

Guy from Massachusetts: I’ll bet your coffee is cold.

Me: You’d lose. I just made it 10 minutes ago.

Guy from Massachusetts: It’s really windy up here today. And cold.

Me: You’re blaming me for the weather?

Masshole: No. Look … the cashier at the last store we stopped at was a real bitch and I’m taking it out on you.

Me: The last guy who was in here tried to look down my shirt. You want me to slap you for it?

Masshole: No.

Me: Then shut up.

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About R.J. Keller

R. J. Keller is the author of Waiting For Spring. An avid independent movie enthusiast, she was Managing Editor of The Movie Fanatic website and created episodes of the writer-centric YouTube series, Inside The Writers' Studio, with author Kristen Tsetsi. She co-hosted Book Chatter with Stacey Cochran from 2011-2014. She lives in Central Maine with her family, where she enjoys gardening, collecting geeky memorabilia, and watching other people cook. View all posts by R.J. Keller

9 responses to “Welcome to Maine. Now go home.

  • bunnygirl

    The last guy who was in here tried to look down my shirt. You want me to slap you for it?

    Classic.

  • Kristen

    This was too funny!

  • robinaltman

    Oh, man. Soooo funny! I have a pet peeve with people who visit places and then complain about them. If they don’t like other places, why not stay home and watch TV? Friggin’ doofs.

  • Jana

    Thank you for that priceless gem Kel. I may owe you a royalty fee after I get the chance to use it on one of my “rich old n cranky” customers complaining about the plant selection in the Garden Center…
    Let me know if you come across this bumper sticker, or smock pin for sale – “Mainer Living in Exile” – I’d almost settle for “Yankee in Exile” but I would not want anyone to think I turn-coat on my Sox – I’d sooner die of Black Fly wounds. Also – the term “Mainer” is to have the properly applied accent – MainAH – or possibly have the word “Maine-iack” as a possible substitute.

  • Crystal Lynn

    Do you have a row of photos over your register titled “Latest Kill”?

  • R.J. Keller

    BG & Kristen, thanks!! 🙂

    Robin, my thoughts exactly! When we visited DC / Northern Virginia last summer, you would not have encountered a group of tourists who were more polite and gracious than us. (Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true.)

    Jana, I know the bumper sticker of which you speak. I’ll keep an eye out for one and send it along when I find one.

    Crystal, we should start one of those! lol

  • thedomesticfringe

    Ahhhh…the invasion has begun.

    Good luck!
    -FringeGirl

  • Lori

    I’ll be very nice when I come to Maine this summer! I swear. I won’t trouble no one! And I usually tell people I come from Romania, not from Massachusetts, when they ask. Will that do?

  • R.J. Keller

    Fringegirl, invasion describes it!! lol

    Lori, yep it will. LOL!
    Seriously, if everyone from Massachusetts was even half as kind and big-hearted as you, Mainers would have NO trouble with people from your fair state.

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