aka Kel doesn’t have PMS. She just feels like bitching commiserating today
Stuff that irritates the ever lovin’ crap outta me, in random order.
1. The term “Cozy mystery.” I like a good mystery as much as the next person, and I know the ‘cozy’ is supposed to make me think of curling up with a nice book on a big, comfy chair, wrapped in a homemade fleece quilt, on a cold winter day, in front of a beautiful stone fireplace, with a mug of hot cocoa (floating with white, fluffy marshmallows) sitting in front of me on a battered-but-quaint coffee table. It doesn’t. It makes me think of a group of conniving marketing executives sitting in a large, cold office in the middle of NY frigging C, trying to figure out how to get the unwashed masses to want to buy a mystery book. Dudes, it’s a fucking mystery book! We’re gonna buy it!
2. “Acupuncture.” If you want to get me into an office and stick me with thousands of sharp, tiny pins, you really need to leave the word “puncture” out of the equation. Take a lesson from traditional medicine. My mother, for example, is called a Phlebotomist, not a Lady Who Sticks You With A Needle And Sucks Out Vials Worth Of Your Blood.
C. Designated hitter. In this case, it’s not the term I hate; it’s the thing. Attention American League: make your pitchers go up to bat, the way real men are supposed to.
4. Snarky news reporting. I recently read an article about a former college football player in West Virginia who’s settled down to raise a family instead of going onto sports greatness. Apparently, he’s put on a lot of weight in the past year or two. Those are facts. Speculating on how many donuts it took to pack on those pounds…not so much. I suppose y’all think it’s a way of keeping up with the times and appealing to younger readers. It isn’t. It makes you look like assholes. Stick to the facts. Leave the snark for the comments section.
5. Perez Hilton.
6. Broken coffee makers. Seriously, is it too much to ask a free, plastic, 2-cup Gevalia coffee maker to work for more than a year? I don’t care if I do have hard water that screws with your innards. I need some goddamn coffee!