Yep, he did. Good News because convenience stores specialize in liquor, cigarettes, and lottery tickets. Increased misery equals increased profits. And, as a Loyal Employee, I’m supposed to maximize the misery/profit flow by suggestive selling scratch tickets and upselling liquor and cigarette orders (half-gallons instead of fifths, three-pack specials instead of packs). AND I’m supposed to play a CD (made specially for us by some shithead at corporate) that’s filled with sad, sappy, depressing music, to capitalize even further on this recession depression.
I nodded, anxious to get home and get to bed, and told him I’d be happy to go along with this “Kick ‘Em When They’re Down” Plan…even though, of course, I had no intention of doing so. I like my customers. I’ve known most of them for years. They’re my neighbors and friends. Most of them work their asses off for not enough pay, unfortunately spend too much of it at our store as it is, and the fuckwads in corporate want me to charm even more of it away from them? I don’t think so. It’s hard enough getting enough sleep when you work third shift; I don’t need a guilty conscience interfering with the process.
This is what I did instead.
Monday evening I burned a CD of my own, filled with upbeat, happy tunes, and brought it into work. I wore my brightest lipstick and smiled my biggest smile to each and every customer who came through the door. I asked fondly about children, subtly reminded customers about mortgage payments and fuel bills, and expounded on the futility of gambling away hard earned cash on a 1-in-500 chance of winning a few bucks from a handful of lottery tickets. At six-thirty I wiped off my lipstick, replaced my happy CD with the sappy CD, and added up my sales. $150 less than the night before. Then I left the store with a spring in my step, drove home with a smile and slept like a baby Tuesday morning.
I only dance for myself.
R.J. Keller 
paragraph 1 — Laughing
paragraph 2 — Feel that pain. Coffee. No sleep. Impromptu work meeting.
paragraph 3 — “Historically, poor people living through hard times sink into a depression. This frequently causes them to spend money they don’t have on things they don’t really need…like liquor and cigarettes and lottery tickets.”
Oh, geezze, I AM TOTALLY GUILTY AS CHARGED… and charging….
Also, the entertainment industry does well during depressions. People want to be entertained and forget their woes!
Laughing!
What an amazing post!
A great post.
I really love the last line.
It isn’t true of me — but it will be.
Then, I will sleep well.
Fantastic, utterly wonderful post, Keller me girl. Reminds me of why I loves ya. You belong in a Frank Capra movie!
I love it! I’ve been in the commanded-to-upsell position before, though not in one that egregious. I rebelled against it too…but not nearly that brilliantly. Good job. đŸ™‚
Ah, Portland…MAINE. (The light bulb finally turns on.) Here I was thinking of the Portland I used to go to all the time on weekends, not realizing that it’s pretty much on the exact opposite end of the continent from the Portland you were talking about.
Could you please tell me which fine location you work at? I want to make sure I’m not blindsided by the misery that the rest of the establishments will be doling out.
I don’t want to be conned into buying my first lotto ticket… or my first big alcohol purchase… or my first pack of cigarettes… Gosh, according to your Higher Ups reasoning, I must not be depressed at all!
Good job sticking it to the man!
Well, I don’t want to give away my top secret location, but I will say that it’s in a boonies town on Route 7 about 40 miles north of you.
Hey, nice capture of Elaine from Seinfeld dancing in your previous entry.
How did you — you, who claim html illiteracy — do that?
Anyway, nice job.
A friend of mine emailed me the Elaine picture awhile ago. When I asked how she made it, she said something about ‘gif.’ I just said, “Ah” like I knew exactly what she was talking about.